God Creates the Earth
by pink rabbit2
Summary: God created humans to get revenge on roosters. Seriously.


…pink rabbit strikes again!!

And this time its: THE BIBLE *thunderclap*

Hey, it's a piece of lit just like anything else.  No reason not to write fanfic about it.  Besides, why else would there be a Bible fanfic section?  Flames shall be alternately laughed at or used to burn down a convenience store.  Do specify.

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**God Creates the Earth**

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Once upon a time, God was bored, so he decided to create the world.  ::BANG!:: He blew up some stars and created a huge mass of nebulous matter that would eventually form itself into the sun, moon, Earth etc.  However God had to get this whole world thing done in a week so he wouldn't miss the annual family reunion, so he speeded the process up a bit.  This was all accomplished in just over three God-hours, and he would've continued, but dammit, he couldn't see anything.  God pondered on this for another God-hour until he had a bright (*cough*) idea.

"Let there be light!!!!!!!"

At this, the sun burst into flames, which made everything nice and warm and bright.  God smiled, for he could see (*cough*) that this was _good_.

Then he was tired, and went to bed.  In the following days, He created more fun accessories for Earth—plants, animals, seamonsters, etc.  He also separated the waters in space from the waters on Earth with the sky, a type of nitroxy raincoat.  Strangely, these heavenly waters were never seen again; rumor has it that they were sold on eBay circa 6700 b.c.

Well, God looked at all this and patted himself no the back (he was all-powerful, so he could reach to do this), because, hot damn, it was good.  He then sat back and watched his little critters go about their critter business for a God-hour or two before he fell asleep from the boredom.

At four o'clock the next morning, God was awakened by several million roosters who all felt the innate need to crow at that particular time.  In a fit of rage, God grabbed some clay and made ridiculous looking crown-things to wear on their heads, forever, as punishment.  Unfortunately, the female roosters (chickens, dumbass) found this attractive, and soon all the roosters were crowing so they could get a crown-thing.  God threw up his hands in a fit of rage and despair.  Suddenly, however , his eyes fell across the clay he had used to make their crowns.

"I AM AN EVIL GENIUS!"  He roared.  "Or wait," he corrected himself—"I AM A DIVINE, HOLY AND ALL-POWERFUL GENIUS!!"

"I've got the greatest plan _ever," he said excitedly to no one in particular.  "I'll make a new kind of creature that will be really really hungry for CHICKEN!!  HAHAHA!  Wonder who'll be laughing now, when my minions slaughter and eat their WIVES!!"_

*crazed laughter*

God: ahem.

Anyways, God was really stoked about this great idea, and as he gathered enough clay to make this new creature, he started coming up with more and more ideas.

"I know!  I'll make them worship me!  And I'll set out these arbitrary laws for them to follow, and if they don't, I'll sentence them to eternal TORTURE!!  And oh, I'll make sure and indoctrinate them so that anybody who strays from my path will persecuted!  Oh, this is going to be so much *fun*!"

At this point, God realized that he had gathered plenty of clay, so he stopped for a moment to design the new creature.

"hmm," he thought, "I'd really like to make them in my image, so I can see what I'll look like when I'm older."  However, God unfortunately didn't have a mirror; so he took a look around and decided to model these new creatures off of the monkeys, the nearest animals.

Well, God tinkered and toyed with the design of the monkey, deciding that to make it more like Him, he'd make them taller and less hairy than the monkeys.  After fixing all of the vertebrate, however, he ran out of screws, so this new creature ended up with a reposable thumb.  Finally, he was done!  It wasn't the Pieta, but hey, not bad for a day's work.  God took a deep breath and breathed into the creatures face.  The creature began coughing and hacking.

"Ah, damn!" he exclaimed.  God agreed.

"Adam!  What a lovely choice of name."

"No—ah—what have you been _eating?"_

"A nice salad made of sea lettuce and onion rings, dipped in extra-strong garlic sauce, my favorite.  Why do you ask…?"

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Well, you guys all know the rest of the story—Adam gets horny, so God makes him Eve, Eve is a dumb blonde and listens to the Devil, and Adam and Eve are thrown out of Paradise into—uhmmmm—the desert of DEATH.  Yeah.  But you knew that.

And God's plot against the roosters and their wives?  Well, it worked.  To a point, that is.  You see, Adam and his hunter-buddies started trying other forms of meat.  And it turns out, _everything _tastes like chicken.  Including tongue and calamari.  So while the humans continued to hunt chickens, they soon developed a much better appetite for beef, lamb, and pork.  God responded to this by inserting a new gene into the chickens that made them able to run around even if their head is cut off.  Humans, with their morbid natures, enjoyed this sight immensely, and soon, hundreds of chickens were being slaughtered so that ten-year-old boys could watch them running around, headless.

God saw how good it was.

Evening came, and morning followed…


End file.
